Robin #1

I climbed over the kadappa and advanced quickly forward as I noticed something hovering around my favorite lemon grass tree. Must be the stupid hooman again, i thought. What does he do here anyway, it's not like he needs to hide from menacing crows and ugly dogs. As I was thinking, he made an advance towards me as my ears showed presence of a hand near my head. I didn't resist. Instead I just said, "meow" as he fed me lemon grass

Law is for Losers

 Just yesterday I had one of the most eventful day in my life. Out of everything else, the scooter I was riding broke down in the middle of nowhere. What was worse was that this scooter didn't belong to me and was actually my grandfathers. I pushed it back towards my house (which was pretty far away by the way) As thoughts rushed through my brain. After about an hour of pushing I made it back in one piece. The first words that my grandfather said spelt- What if You had been caught? (yes cause i was driving underaged) Those words hurt me the most. I rushed to my room, banged the door on this and did what I loved the most- Gaming. Later when I was calm as I introspected, I observed that I was not angry at the fact that my grandfather said that to me but because of the fact that driving at my age was illegal. I mean why does such a law even exist. "Laws are for losers" I thought.  

              Naturally like any other day my mind plunged into the very thought of laws and their existence rather than actually studying for my due exam.  

What are laws. When I look up laws in my memory, I see the fear that was instilled into my mind at a raw age of 4. That policemen were extremely powerful people and could take you to jail even based on mere suspicion. Nut then as I grew up I realized that law was something bigger, something greater and something that was accepted by the society as a whole 

Then I thought back to why would an individual living in a society feel the need of law. That just seemed to prove my point. The weak needed to ensure their existence and therefore made laws in self-preservation. But then why did the strong listen to them. Why couldn’t we just have ignored the weak and kept doing things our way? So yet again I was baffled to the core point, Where and how did laws come into existence? Why did everybody accept it. And why like every other birth right we have, are we not allowed to choose to obey or break this law by birth. 

Then it hit me. The solution. The reason for human survival on this planet, Inequality. IO am not talking about mere superficial inequality. I am talking about the natural inequality that God created among us the ensure a smooth surface.  

I figured I was good at driving at a very young age, heck some people aren't any good at that even after their legal age. On the other hand, I am no good at physical fighting, whereas some of the same people who arent good at driving are good at fighting. The answer lies here. Complete personal inequality. How can one expect a government to rule over millions of people where different laws applied for different people? How can any kind of order exist where even the survival of a society is difficult?  

And that is where I solved the problem. Here's how I'll put it forth - 

Not everyone in the society is equal, NO one is equal and no one is meant to be equal. That is why the words " Law is blind" And "everyone is equal for the law" are so thoughtfully placed. One can never feel that what they did is wrong and what someone else does id=s right because rightfully as humans we have been adapted to the fact that Righteousness is the most noble quality of all, and the thought that we aren't the utmost best in what we do troubles every human. And best of all- 16-year old's could drive scooters legally until I was 16, FUCK YOU LAWS!! 

Friendship #2

                                  "This is the mini you" She said as she laughed. "Still doesn't change anything, you still laugh like a kid." Dan said. And no I am not small Elvis." He said almost narrowing his eyes and pulled the 'Elvis with a guitar' out of her hand. "Hey! Not fair! Give it back!" she hopelessly tried to reach his hand as he dodged her. "You are wayy too short for fighting me sorry."
"But you play the guitar and so does Elvis. And hey! Give me your number. I'll text you today."
 

That was the day it began. It wasnt perfect. But it was a start. I had made a girl - friend. for the first time in his life, and I kinda liked it too. (texts)
Kiaaraaa: Sorry Dan we cant be friends anymore.
Dan: Okay fine. Bye
Kiaaraaa: Eh, You are supposed to run behind me. Bruno mars, Count on me remember?
Dan: When did we officially become friends by the way. Miss Houston just kind of pushed me into playing the guitar. It was almost like She didnt have anyone else to play
Kiaaraaa: Umm..That's true. Whitney quit on the last moment.
Dan: Fuck...
Kiaaraaa: Whats the deal with you and her? She's Romeo and you Juliet?
Dan: -_-
Kiaaraaa: Sorry XD I know what hapened,
Dan: Change topic bruh
Dan: Hey? where did you go?
Dan:HEyyy?


And that was the first text conversation we had. From that day on, we went on talking. Day after day. NIght after night. And many beautiful memories that now lay across my mind. Causing Amazing Waves as you can imagine. I couldnt sleep for nights together when I first lost her. I still feel like I just let go. Guess thats why only thing I have left right now to soothe me is this alcohol. andd..


TO be continued

Friendship #1

                                   "Hello Everybody and I am Dan" he said as he climbed up the stage and walked towards the mic. His hello was drowned by the voice of people talking while the rest of his sentence was spent in the silence of his soothing voice.
                                   "Today, I heard many stories about depression. About how many of you in life failed to reach targets. How depression is killing you. How anti-depressants are the only solution."
He looked around and saw faces of people who he otherwise would think are judging him. But right now the glass of tequila and her face occupied most of his thinking capacity.
                                    "Hello everybody, I am Dan and today, I am going to tell you the story of my Life. The story of Kiara. The chapter which changed my life. No, I am not just another drunk lover. I didn't lose a girl. I lost my friend. The best friend. And can I tell you all? This pain that you talk about, this is not what she gave you. this is not what your boss gave you, nor your divorce. This is what you find inside you. This is a feeling that you find inside when you search for something inside you and you find it missing. And it was always there. Now, gone forever.
                                     'Hey lover boy! What the fuck do I find inside me about my boss?' someone from the crowd jeered.
                                    "That's what you don't get. This is not about your boss, this is about you. It's because you cant find that victory even though you see that winner in you. It's because you, me, all of us are searching for something. Something to hold on to. Desperately. Because we humans, can never reach our maximum potential. There's always a bit more to explore. A little bit farther to travel. Just one more jump to cover. And just like I said. This isnt about romance. This is about friendship. Something that exceeds all of the hollowness you feel inside you. Something that kills you faster than poison.and makes you harder than a stone. FRIENDSHIP.
                                    I first met her when I was 17. A year into high school. It wasn't a perfect meet. At all. I always was familiar with her face as a junior. She was extremely famous and took part in a " bunch of school activities. Lead roles in choirs, plays. What not. " He smiled only towards one cheek.
"Infact I had a blind crush on her back on 8th grade. but all of this faded with my first girlfriend. Which ended in a beautiful wreck by the way. I was exactly like you guys. I had lost the reason to live. They say a relationship plays around with grades. But I guess my relation with grades was inverse. That's when she came. I was hopelessly waiting for Whitney to come back. When I took part in choir, just so I can be in the same class as Whitney. First day I enter the room. I see a 9th grader taking the choir practice. 'who are you ? Wheres Miss Houston? And where you pretending to take their practice? What the actual fuck..' I started laughing. She just stood there and tilted her head towards the left a degree or so. And slowly said, 'Hey. I'm Kiara.'

To be continued

Resurrection

'Only an option defines an end and only an end defines a beginning'
             Do you ever feel like you are just holding on to life for reasons even you don't know? Do you ever feel that a shortcut is much easier than going through what shit bucket life has kept for you? Does your mental pain ever exceed a point where youd rather physically hurt yourself? Do you know what it's like to be broken?
              People always preach about falling in love. But what if there's nothing there. What if you fall your way down and find that it was nothing? What if you go down the wrong fall? That's where life decides to give you a choice - Either you keep going and then it'll fuck you up or you just end it where you fuck yourself up.
              I myself have faced this situation few too many times in my story now. But what if I told you there's a correct answer to this unasked question. What if there is light for you to fall through your love and come back out from the other side, a better person than you were before? Dont reinvent the wheel. I will tell you. But it's a secret. It has to stay between me and you. It has to make it secretly through the cracks of people who need it. It has to close ends and start beginnings. It has to bring light to all those who have lost the will. Do you promise me that you can handle the weight of being a part of a team? All of us together - we won't blame anybody. We won't ask God why. We won't ever complain about life. Because though for reasons unknown you haven't yet decided either options yet. You are alive(I hope) and reading this. Promise to yourself you will just hope. Not try, not struggle. Just hope.
            Ever wish that you should have known something a little bit earlier. Ever wondered how things went so bad from so good. Where just yesterday was cloud 9 and how gravity accelerated so quick. Ever wondered why you are still lying on the ground where you don't wanna be even when you were candid, your try was genuine. Just let it flow once. Accept to yourself you weren't wrong and some things just happen for no reason. Some answers are always just out of reach and that hakuna matata is where you want it to be.
             You are the only competition in your story unless you make anyone else your downfall. You are the only thing that matters. And nothing else. Finally every relation ends and every friend walks out except the Satan inside you. I want you to be friends with that Satan. You will find that he or she was just undermined. You will find that, that Satan is just a ball of clay waiting to be molded. First thing would be to create the craziest image of it in your mind and then love who that is. Because you are defined by what you believe not what others believe. What you know and what you believe is the ultimate truth and that's what God is. That's how they say God is within you. The supernatural isn't always the God. What if I told you God is relative? For an ant human is God. For an ant who has been betrayed (or tried to be killed) only herself and her strong belief that she can build her clan is her God. Not very appropriate but that's how God is. Relative
            It's time. Get up now. Dust that failure off yourself. Spike that Satan up. Pray to that God. Be true to yourself. Fuck the whole world. No exceptions. Nothing but you matters. Take a deep breath and just reset. It's hard but If you have followed me so far you will do it naturally. And make the choice. Decide to fuck yourself up more. But give the rein in life's hand. Cause when you have your Satan life's a little pet compared to your mighty ant.
        Build your clan and love them hard.
Will be continuing

Love #3

          He leaned on one side of the wall and placed his toe on the wall continually shaking it. He bit into his nails as the tension soared up. He was called to the principal's office. Throughout the day the most notorious students were called down to the room one by one and came back crying. He knew something big was going down. But what he didn't know is why he was called.

         She was in there right now and maybe that's why he was so worried. He kept thinking about things that were good in his life right now to cover up his anxiety. That is when the door opened slowly breaking his chain of thoughts. She left the left the room looking down at her feet and seemed to have just stopped crying. She looked up and managed to give him a faint smile anyway as the teacher motioned him to enter the room.

         He crossed his fingers and just hoped it wasn't about them that the principal wanted to talk about. As he entered the principal sat on the large leather chair sipping water from a glass that he had permanently seen covered with a coaster. His mind went into overdrive thinking about the things that could go wrong. He was blankly looking at the coaster as the principal said, "You know your parents don't approve of her."

"Of her or any girl at all?" he said before he could stop himself.

"Why do you want to do this? Is this girl worth losing your parents' trust?"

"But why can't I just do this without causing a war?"

He was crying by now. He had never cried in school before. But now he couldn't control himself.

The peon entered and said something to the principle as she went of the room. She handed him a bottle of water and said think about an answer.

'What can I think? I love her..'That was all he cared about. He wiped out the tears from her eyes and looked around in the room. That is when he saw her. She was standing in the library and wasn't aware of the camera above her. 'That is the most beautiful person I have seen in my life.. I can't just define why  I love her.' Seeing her face gave him courage. He stopped sobbing and drank some water as the principal entered the room.

"So tell me.."

"Because I love her" He said. Laying stress on the L word.

"Do you even know what love is?"

"Love is when you know that you can blindly say yes to whatever she proposes. Love is when you know what will make her happy and do it even though it means it will hurt you. Love is not common and if You are asking me this you probably wouldn't understand my theory at all. This maybe too common but yes. That's what this is. Love- When you feel like crying out tears for no apparent reason when you hear her laugh. When you get angry at even one word said against her. And when you know it's wrong but you do it anyway. We know life is definitely going to end with death. Then why live it at all? I live for the momentary high and so I love her, If that's not enough I guess you can call my parents anyway and tell them I love this girl. Because that will lead to a breakup and then probably you will be happy"

   That's what he should have said at least.Before which his mother burst through the door and took him home. And it never came back to normal again

One Good Turn One Good Day

I normally am not much into social service because before helping others one should be able to help himself( which i cannot..ask my donuts for proof) But this New Year I managed to make a resolution(that I surprisingly am following till date) I decided to do one good deed per day. One task and that's it. I thought it was stupid at first but things started working out magically.
 As I was cycling down a quite lonely road one day I passed two motorcyclists who were riding parallel to each other talking. They were riding in the opposite direction so I couldn't get much of a view of what they were doing. What I saw was one man sitting behind the rider was trying to get his cellphone out of his pocket. I saw a 10 rupee note fallen on the road and almost immediately stopped. Usually I wouldn't even care even if it was a two thousand rupee note cause honestly I wouldn't want a complete stranger to praise me(literally can be translated as I wouldn't give a damn about it) I stopped for two seconds to introspect and think what would be my next action. Almost swinging from side to side on the cycle, I managed to get on the other side of the road(there were no dividers) I picked up this note and started cycling towards the motorcycles which were now only a small dot to my vision. When I finally reached them, I rode my cycle parallel to theirs and handed the note to the man who was talking on the phone (sitting behind the rider) He gave a puzzled look and continued talking as I turned around and started going back. Even though he hadn't thanked me or even smiled at me (what most people say that satisfies them after helping someone) I felt good. Honestly ten rupees wouldn't have made much of a difference to him but it did to me..I had completed my good turn of the day.
    After that almost everyday when I thought about completion of my good deed for the day something or the other appears. It can be something very basic such as picking up a fallen potted plant or stopping overflowing water or something mainstream such as helping old people cross the road or just making someones day by praising them or holding the door open for someone.
    I am not going to ask you readers to commit anything like "doing one good turn per day" or anything even close to that. I am just going to say "why not?" All of you readers and the people to whom you may talk to about this blog..Just one small deed one day. After that nothing....Just do it when you feel like. From my experience such an opportunity is available almost everywhere when we decide to look for it. Think about it.. Even if we are able to get only 0.5% people of the world to do this say even in the next 3 years then imagine (0.5% roughly amounts to 36 million) then 72 million or maybe even more will be made happy each day..I guess its worth a try.
A GOOD TURN A DAY KEEPS HUMANITY AWAKE...

Kunjumon (a new pokemon)

I am making this generalization from the acute observation of workmen sitting in an isolated place..I'm quite sure all Indians will relate to this post...

                                 Out of all the pokémon there is one who is especially trustworthy and is frequently summoned by my father- Kunjumon. Kunjumon is seen without fail on our door every month with a plan of tearing apart some or the other part of the society and re-fixing it in the most annoyingly comical way. He walks up to the door swaying from side to side like a duck and prefers to shout instead of ringing the bell. He prefers to wear a faded yellow or orange colour shirt that never fails to contradict his complexion. Yet his shirt never fails to expose the treasure hidden under it which is somewhat gross. He always has a trademark key hanging down his pockets on the pant which he never fails to pull at least twice in a minutes conversation (because it is habitual or wearing a belt doesn't fit in the job description I don't know.)

He is a contractor to the very core of his personality and now has become a phenomenal subject of satire not only in my family but also among all relatives. I am intrigued by his approach towards every problem. "The door is broken" His reply "okay lets break down the whole front wall to make a new frame and make a new door" and therefore most of the planning work is usually done by my father(trust issues you know..)

Just a week ago our society's gate needed replacement. This wise person walks into the gate contract committee meeting like Afzalkhan walking up for taking the contract of killing Shivaji. This perfectly fits the description because his force of workmen had no more of an IQ than Afzalkhan's entire army, and the structure of our gate no less intricate than one of Shivaji's forts. The first thing that he did was dig up both sides of the road in such a way that no car could pass inside or go outside the society except if the watchman is awake and lays the thin ever breakable ply-board, ingeniously arranged by our very own Kunjumon is laid across the door. 

No concrete account of the matter was taken for the next four days till the plank gave away to the SUV carrying a kitty of 6 auntys (I will describe nothing about the payload inside the car so let us just blame it all on the weak plank) Only the first two tires stuck in the entrance of fort knox, it was extremely difficult to even get out of the car. This particular pokemon then went into hiding for the next day and only appeared today morning with a truck load of material. He confidently crashed the truck which was taking a reverse into the nearby mango tree and shouted out to his workers to make his presence felt. When asked he said that he had run out of money to build anything and was waiting for the society advance. When further questioned about the motive of hurrying with the digging of the road he simply flashed a smile and quoted the proverb "Do what you are going to do tomorrow -today and do what you are going to do today-right now"(in hindi) Society members finally steamed their desperate frustration in a nonchalant manner swearing to get back to him in the next meeting and went peacefully back to their houses(not).......

Love #2

It was drawing period and he was exited because she was going to sit on the bench before his for the class. This is the time before he ever meant anything to her. He hurried into the class as the teacher walked in. She was already there and was engrossed in drawing something in her sketch book. He sat down as the teacher started explaining how they had to make a market scene. He pretended to nod his head but all his attention was even the slightest movement or sound behind him. After a long half an hour the teacher asked the students to take out their sketchbooks. She stood up behind him and said,"Sir I forgot mine." He turned back astonished because he distinctly remembered the sketchbook on her table. She had to go out of the class.
He had never done this before but he mustered all the little courage he had in him and stood up saying that he too forgot his book. He walked out of the class finding her waiting on the other side of the door. They waited for the teacher to start speaking again before he whispered,"why?" She gave a sly smile and said,"because I wanted to show you something."
 He never had known such a person who knew him so well. Who had already predicted his reaction to hers, Who had known that he'd walk behind her even if that meant being punished.
"Are you going to keep blinking blankly or are you going to ask me what I wanted to show you?" He struggled to get some words out as she took out a crumpled piece of paper from her pocket. "But that's the paper from your art book!" he said. "Yes and maybe you'll see what's in here if you keep your voice down" she smiled as she said. He took the paper from her hand and looked at it. It was a boy and a girl sitting on a bench and there were all kinds of disney cartoons drawn behind them with disney world written in bold letter under their feet. "The cute girl looks like you..." It was his first compliment to any girl ever. She smiled,"not bad for a beginner, and yeah the boy in whose arms the girl is is you."
 "wh..what?" he stammered.
"what?..I am in love with your innocence..And you..maybe..I guess..Oh what the hell..I Love You"
This is the part where the girl blushes but he smiled shyly instead. He said,"I love you too"
And that's how the journey began
Just like Deadpool says, "Life is a series of train wrecks with brief only commercial like breaks of happiness." Well this was the moment where life showed up with a commercial of people distributing free chocolates

Losing for Success

When Arjuna was about to lose in a battle against Karna in Mahabharat, Karna became overconfident and said, “O brother, you can back off and run away if you are afraid of death, or defeat, or both….” On that came the best comeback punchline I have ever heard. Arjuna simply laughed and replied, “You fool, does a lion ever run away from a deer?” And in the end the lion-hearted Arjuna won the Battle and killed Karna. My point is, even in that day without the RADAR, or the Drone technology, a smaller army, only 5 brothers out of which only 3 fought. Why? Because they had lost…

Today I am going to talk, not about winning to be successful but I am going to talk about losing to be successful. Have you ever thought why is it said that losing is a stepping stone to success? Well because there is no Tar road towards it nor is there any steel staircase. There is just a bold mantra engraved on the stone like hearts of great persons not by a chisel but by erosion of the perennial river of sweat and blood.

Close your eyes for a minute and think about every single one of those moments where you have lost to somebody, now think whether the feeling would have been different if the person would have been different, now think if the feeling would have been different if the event in which you lost would have been different, would you still feel bad? Who all feel that they would feel bad whatsoever, however they lost?----------- Losing is good… and feeling bad about losing is even better. But feeling depressed about losing is bad. No loss is permanent unless it is of your own heart and soul. You all know the story of the spider who kept falling from the same stone again and again until he found a way to make his web, well..he was stupid, because he tried doing the same thing the same way again and again and in the end luck supported him. But Thomas Edison was the real brainy one, because he not only found one way to make a bulb but 1000 ways how not to! Those 1000 ways were his stepping stones. So the thing to remember is that there is no problem in losing, the question is whether you learn from your mistakes, or else it is just as if you are arranging round glossy stones on top of each other…You know they are going to fail you again.

There are many ways to fail-

1)      Not preparing for the test enough

2)      Not wanting to prepare for a test at all

3)      Not knowing there is a test

4)      Thinking that god can help you can crack it on the spot

5)      Thinking that you may get away without the test

Trust me, …. The last one is the most trusted option by procrastinators. The first 3 are common mistakes and can be committed almost all the time, but the fatal ones are the last three because then you are confident not on yourself but on an external superpower.

Well, you never plan to fail do you? But the reason why you still fail is that you fail to plan. If tomorrow an indian soldies goes to the border saying maybe ill succed then he will never return back alive, that’s why it is taught in the army that failing is not an option, but people makes mistakes all the time don’t they,what do we do in such conditions? We still learn. Therefore learning through faliures is not only based on our own losses but others losses too.

Most important thing for a failure to do is not to listen to anyone's advise but to listen to someones advise. Stick to that person and take off with your upward trajectory to success.

Finally I'd like to end with a final example from my favourite subject (math)- Imagine a rectangle and draw a diagonal to it. Take the left side to be the failure and the right side to be the success. In the beginning the length of failure is more and success is almost just point. As time increases the area of failure decreases and success increases. Finally the failure is almost just a point and success is the largest

Love

She was his life. He never admitted it though. He always thought he'd have more time. Innocent as he was, he thought twice even before holding her hand. She said she loved him to and he always wondered why. She was the most beautiful girl in the world and he was a nerd.
It was time of a school play. They both had decided to join the choir so that they could be together. He knew that he should talk more to her, give her more importance, but he didn't have the guts.The shed was filled with about fifty students as the teacher entered. The teacher played the keyboard as the beat started to play.
                   just a song...
                 to say i love you
He instantly turned towards her and she was already looking towards him. 'damn' he thought
              just a song..
               from my heart
             just a song..
             to say i need you
            truly i do...
The music played as she smiled at him and he felt that feeling which books often describe as the 'butterflies in stomach' feeling. He thought it would never be possible because there was no scientific explaination for it. But he felt it, strongly, as her gaze melted him and brought the most vulnerable smile on his face. His friends used to say that in their relationship the girl played the role of the boy and he acted like a total sissy girl. but he didn't care, partially because it was true. The teacher shouted in the mic, "It would be better if the students concentrate on singing the song as a little orphan boy singing for his lost parents and not Romeo to Juliet." Every one giggled as cute pink circles appeared on her cheek and his friends started punching him on his arms. Everyone suddenly became owls because that's what their hoots seemed like. (to be continued when I am not as depressed)

Equality

There exists a melancholy in today's politics as we stop to contemplate the effect of today's decision on tomorrow. Women have to march down to express their feelings, common man has to let go of the lust of life to find a voice, and many more incidents that put me into thought- Are we really living modern? Is this because we are existing, living our life after our ancestors that we feel we are the new generation? Is there anything new in us? Didn't people during the time of the Roman empire feel that "this legacy, this monarchy is the best there ever can be.. Yeah there are a few ups and downs but okay.." But every now and then the man sitting up there decides to show up... make a change. Jesus was one such era defining change, so was newton and so will I aspire to become.

                                     But there is one thing that can never be brought into being by human whatsoever they do -EQUALITY. We strove as a species to become greater than the others, we then strove as nations (and still do) to become greater than others. Now is the era we will strive as indivisuals to become greater than others. So is there ever a possibility that we will become equal to one another? Would we ever want to have the exact same destiny as someone else..anyone else. In one sense we are all equal- Our road ends at death. Our life has 2 definite aspects- a) destiny

b) death thus we should remain truthful to our time rather than our goals.

                                   

Confusion

                                                                  Is the universe so limited that it can be defined with infinity? Is the world the creation of God or is it the fragment of a ball of fire? Do anomalies define God or do they define the incompatibility of our superficial knowledge? However learned may a man be, he knows only a fraction of what is known in unison by all the minds united. Also there are a billion other such fractions yet to be discovered. So is it really justified that we speak of our success?

                                                                One cannot quantify success, one cannot justify success, one cannot beautify success, and one cannot define success. Just as 1 day of the human lifespan is the entire lifespan for a flower, this entire universe could be a day’s work and another day’s admiration for the creator (or rather the developer)

                                                                 How would you rather define your life? As the person who is able to have define news of work done by someone as correct or wrong, or as a person who'd make the bloody news- like it or not? Why does a common man have to struggle so much if they say democracy means power of the people. Even though the muscles in the body are reason for the power inside it, the muscles are the things that end up getting hurt the most.  

                                                                 There are only three things that I hold the dearest to myself- Me, myself and I. You may call me selfish, but isn't it obvious? why would my life be worth someone else's opinion. Why would a circumstance define my existence. Maybe I haven't reached that level of success yet, but nothing but my name defines me. My legacy is defined by the work I am yet to do. I have not yet entered the world, then can anyone please explain to me why everyone around seems to be living for someone else? Why do people say that someone means their life to them when their life is hardly worth a penny.

(these are just random thoughts that popped into my head written in the exact order as they came)